Good afternoon fellow Doobs. Being home for the holidays is always fun time in the Elf house. My parents are so excited to have myself, my sister and my dog all under the same roof that they let me get away with things that they would normally scoff at, mostly, starting to drink pretty shortly after waking up. Now that it's 1PM and I've had 4-5 drinks coming off of 3 hrs of sleep, I thought it would be a good time to share the background of the American holiday of Christmas to the our foreign members.

Christmas is a holiday that can be traced back to its American roots in the 1800s. Jesus was a migrant worker from Mexico who came into the US looking for work. At the time, Mexico was facing a recession, and with the recent freeing of the slaves, Southerners were looking for a new source of cheap labor. Mexicans filled this gap perfectly.

Jesus was a carpenter by trade, and by all account, a peaceful man. He would wake up every morning, making sure to pay his prostitute her full price, and walk to work on his Master's farm, building whatever needed building and repairing whatever the other Mexicans broke. Times were good for Jesus.

Things started taking a turn for the worse when he came. Judas, or Old Man Winter as he liked to be called, started taking jobs for a price lower than Jesus could afford to take. Jesus, being the kind soul that he was, felt no malice for Judas, just sadness for the lack of work.

Jesus knew that he needed to do something to provide for himself and his prostitutes. He saw that his old employers children were greedy little bastards and constantly wanted more and more toys. Jesus started making toys out of cheap and potentially dangerous materials and selling them to his old masters for extremely cheap prices.

He soon earned the nickname St. Nick due to his masters not wanting to be associated with a foreign national. After a few years of doing this every winter, his operation grew to the point where he couldn't fulfill the orders himself. He hired the newly arrived Chinese workers to help him, paying them even less than he had ever made as a carpenter. Not wanting to be a racist, he started calling the little Chinese workers "Elves" and dressing them up in green to try to make them not look asian.

Soon enough St Nick and his elves were making toys for all of the rich children in America. Once the government got wind of this, they knew they had to do something. Christmas was created in order to hide the fact that a Mexican had gotten a leg up on all of the rich white folks in the South.

So Merry Christmas everyone. Next up Jewish Chrismas!

Jewish Christmas is a holiday the Jewish people tried to steal because they were jealous of all the Americans celebrating Christmas. It didn't work and to punish them, we make them spin dreidels for chocolate money. Everyone knows that Jewish people are allergic to chocolate during the winter. Not only this, but Jewish people love gold, as exhibited here:



So the chocolate tricks them into thinking theyre getting real gold, but only getting chocolate instead.
Revenge bitches.

dat chocolate dolla $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

GIMMELS ALL DAY